Linnea Krig
Forum recently erected signs in bathrooms around the Blake upper school campus that warn bathroom users that vaping on school property will result in punishment. Students who frequent the bathrooms to vape have been grumpy, but it is the teachers that frequent the bathrooms to get their hourly nicotine fix that are livid. An anonymous teacher interviewed by Gazette stated, “kids shouldn’t be vaping at all, let alone at school, but I am an adult. I support using the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ philosophy with my students.” Anger from staff members has not subsided, in fact it has heated up. Last Friday five teachers gathered silently in the library dressed as handmaids. Most recently, this Monday a group of approximately ten Blake teachers gathered directly adjacent to Blake property in a vape and drum circle. A member of Gazette who viewed the event reports that the teachers were joining hands and singing “kumbaya” while vaping. Members of Blake administration have not commented on the issue yet.
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Elizabeth Bragg
Here at Gazette, we noticed a rather large absence of members across recent meetings. The conspiracy all of us are beginning to believe is that it is the fault of the rather boring common name, that has graced this comedy newspaper for many years. Here are some proposed suggestions in the works. Jack Hanna
Here at Gazette, we are committed to bringing you the best tips for getting through the hell we call school, so here are *NUMBER PENDING* different tried and true methods to getting straight A’s.
Good places to sell your soul are sites such as http://sentimentalcorp.org, for a very subtle and fun way to get rid of the unnecessary thing you puny mortals call a soul. http://www.sellyoursouls.com/ is another beautiful way to finally get those A’s. You heard it here first friends! Craigslist will sell souls but eBay will not. Absolutely Guaranteed to get you A’s.
*Not Guaranteed Jack Hanna
Here at Mr. Gazette, we value beating other eggcellent newspapers to the punch with top trends and factoids, so today we are looking at a crackin’ game called Shell Shockers. This eggidemic is truly no yolk. You probably are eggstremely annoyed with how all the freshmen are taking over the library like a herd of chickens in a hen-house, cawing like roosters with their terrifried little screams when they get shot. These eggheads can be seen eggsercising the library space early in the morning, during tasc, and other times throughout the day. As the librarians see this, they responded eggstremely fast with much eggspress because of how these eggheads were treating the sacred library space. These eggsausted librarians moved the brood of chickens back to the Carlson Commons, giving them an eggspress lane to live where they can eggstaticaly play their new-fangled video games all they want. We asked around, and a shell-shocked junior who saw the eggheads said this, “I thought they were a little eggcentric, but i didn’t know it was this bad,” and followed up with, “They might need to take a medical eggsam to see if they are really sane in the head.” The eggstreme chaos is still found everywhere, and it seems like Shell Shockers is gonna stay around, at least for awhile. Stay tuned for more crackin’ updates on this eggciting story. Isabelle Zeaske
Yes, there is no longer any snow on the ground. But that is no reason to stop participating in in winter activities. Although being a student at Blake can make you rather close-minded about sports (there are only two winter sports: hockey and boys' hockey), we have a new trend to share with you! Obviously, because you’re Minnesotan, you’ve heard of skijoring*. But, in case you haven’t exited your igloo in a while, it’s pretty much a thing old Norwegian guys do, consisting of cross-country skiing while being pulled by dogs. But for those of you who are allergic to dogs, there’s an alternative for you: skijoring with turtles! You and your turtle will become the best of friends and you will gradually be weaned off the need for human connection! Other advantages include clearer skin, becoming a chess master, and a surprising talent for finding the best online coupons. So learn how to skijor with a turtle today! (Chickens are an option too, but you will need to purchase snowshoes for your bird’s wiry yellow feet.) *Pronounced “skyor-ing.” Not “skyor-king,” “ski-jor-ing,” “your-ing,” or “I’m pretentious.” By Jackson Hamman
Bathrooms. The thrones of the Average Joe. Throughout history it has become more and more clear that not all privies are created equal and that this undeniable knowledge has made all of our lives harder. Have no fear! Gazette is here to help. After years of research and collecting data, we have come up with a rubric to judge every latrine… Cleanliness: Simply how clean the facilities are. Do you need to watch your step? Do you feel the need to wash your hands more than once? Comfort: How warm is the seat? How much legroom do you have? Conveniences: How close is it to most classrooms? Durability: How much punishment it can take? Is the tank really a tank? Amenities: What amenities does it offer? Slushy machine? In house masseuse? Aura: The general feel of the location. How does it feel to be there? Uncomfortable? Pleasing? BATHROOMS Science Wing/Gender Neutral- The science wing water closets are simple, nothing flashy, like an egg McMuffin. Simple, everyone who can have it likes it, and even though it might make you feel sick later, it’s good in the moment. 2/5 Choir- The men's choir room lavatory is a complex beast to tackle. It’s a mistress that few would dare to follow into the depths of the abyss. It’s darkened lighting can be unnerving, yet sensual, its warmth is unsettling, yet comforting. 3/5 Third Floor- Entering this toilette of dreams may seem surreal at first, but a sinister undertone of acrid undeath soon surfaces. You only poop tiny pentagrams and a skeletal finger will reach out and tickle you as you relieve yourself. And will return to the depths of the murky water as quickly as it came. Run, and never look back. 1/5 Kitchen- As far as I know this head, has never existed and will never exist. It exists outside of space time and is an anomaly that seeks to both arouse and confuse, as any good lover should. It leaves plenty to the imagination and I only felt this surreal experience not after finding it, but after it found me. Reader, if I can be candid, I’m hooked. 5/5 Math- The Math Wing division room. Some of the 1920’s decor can be soothing to the eyes, however the shadows encasing the room can make your hair stand on ends and the feeling of dread creep up your spine. Legend says a small remaining sect of the Baldy Street Gang still make their hideout in the second largest stall charging a small toll booth fee to those who enter the bathroom. Watch your back and always carry your katana. Just for some... insurance. 2/5 by Sydney Ethen Lake Blake is a lovely scenic location, located on the banks of the student parking lot. Lake Blake is the largest of the famed ‘Pothole Lakes’ within the area, accounting for about 2,000 of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes. However, Lake Blake is the only lake within the region (that we know of) that currently supports life! Lake Blake has been known to house many species of perch and walleye, as well as countless sea birds, like the crow.
After a 23 foot long Muskie was fished out of the lake last week, the environmental science class decided to dedicate their studies this semester to the ecosystem that exists at the bottom of Lake Blake. In their studies, they have discovered a whole new species of fish. The fish has been named a Striped Bohrny (Piscis magnus asinum), titled such for it’s characteristic brown stripes and the teacher who discovered it. “The Bohrny is similar to the Largemouth Bass, yet it’s mouth is much larger” teacher Mr. Bohrnson states, “However, it’s personality more resembles the Smallmouth Bass.” When asked about the discovery, environmental science student, Lauren Sabes ‘18 says “well when I done seen that fish there I said, ‘Well Moses on a Matzah! That’s a fish I ain’t never seen before.’” Currently, the class is trying to get their newly discovered fish added to the NFD (National Fish Database) in hopes of being able to sell tickets to Lake Blake as a tourist location. They are spearheading the project by hosting a Fishing Tourney in the coming weeks. The class is also planning a group dive to the bottom of the 74 ft deep lake, hoping to find even more species of Bohrny and possibly even more new species in the process. More on this story as it develops. Gucci Gang: Impressions of the Postmodern Paradigm: Neo-Marxism as Expressed Within “Gucci Gang”3/6/2018 by Adrian Lapadat “Gucci Gang” is the crowning achievement of all poetry of all time, period.
The first stanza introduces us to the quirky cast of characters portrayed within the modern canticle, all the while serenading us with onomatopoetic tongue-transcending tonal tinges*. Garcia expresses three emotions that are found throughout the poem. “Yuh” represents Garcia’s affirmative feeling concerning his work. “Ooh” represents the happiness and revelations he hopes to inspire with his art, while the repeated “Brr” serves to express his cool charisma as well as his bubbling energy (Gucci Gang, 1). These traits are also the beloved ideals of our Proletariat: Reliability, Happiness, and Energy! They are not woven at the end of nearly each line for no reason; Garcia is constantly reminding us that, even though we may be now oppressed, we must, like him, be continually striving onward! “Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang (Gucci Gang) / Gucci Gang, Gucci Gang (Gucci Gang)”; Little Pump repeats the phrase ad nauseum, giving us time to ponder it: for upon this chorus hinge not only the structure of the song, but also its meaning (Gucci Gang, 7-8). It is easy to dismiss “Gucci Gang” as a simple materialist brag; however, it signifies much more. When pronounced with hard c’s, the word “Gucci” produces a sound reminiscent of the word ‘Gracchi”. The most famous members of this family are brothers Gaius and Tiberius Gracchus, who attempted to reform the Roman political system via increased representation for the plebeian class. The purpose of Pump’s works, like that of the Gracchi, is to uplift the socially disadvantaged. Combined with the word “Gang”, Pump makes a devastating call to arms: his is the domain of the indomitable masses, whose plebeian group will rise to upturn the both the ignorant middle class and the wealthy upper class. At long last, the eternally-maligned proletariat will have its deserved glory, brought forth by the uproarious ballads of Lil Pump himself. will lead the glorious Proletariat into the dawning of a new age, which shall be marked by the uprooting of the vulgar and oppressive Bourgeoisie! Pump the Younger recalls the efforts he must undertake in composing a rousing message, “Spend three racks on a new chain”. He refers to the ancient torture device, the “[rack]”, in which the tortured would be forcefully stretched out, having their joints dislocated and muscles overstretched to the point of failure (10). His pain in selflessly subjecting himself to torture while attempting to build a strong “chain” in order to uplift the proletariat is equivalent to three rounds of torture on the rack. He elaborates on his misfortune, lamenting his inability to enjoy material goods as opposed to his partner, “My bitch love do cocaine, ooh” (11). A slang name for cocaine is “powder”, reminiscent of the snow on ski reservations: Pump the Younger laments the fact that his enjoyment of refined, Bourgeois activities is counteracted by his moral code, which forbids him from doing so (his moral opposition is exemplified by his classification of skiing as a drug, a negative influence Pump himself would never indulge in). “I fuck a bitch, I forgot her name’, Pump is so dedicated to proletarian work he cannot remember the names of the people he loves (12). “I can't buy a bitch no wedding ring”, Pump the Younger cannot afford to enter a dedicated relationship, as he 1) is opposed to the marketing-induced, unclean, bourgeois practice of purchasing wedding rings and 2) cannot commit to a relationship due to his extensive and focused workload (13). “Rather go and buy Balmains”, Pump the Younger would prefer to engage in decadent spending (which he detests) rather than detain himself from his work via marriage (14). The prophetic and rousing chorus repeats. “My lean cost more than your rent, ooh (it do)”, the value of Pump’s philosophical inclinations, which lead to his opinions and oeuvres, are of more value than any family’s rent (25). He wishes to provoke those who would render his ideas meaningless. Subsequently, Pump urges the proletariat to rise up against the bobbleheads of oppressive society, beginning with the disassemblage of WestJet. Pump compares the breath of an airline executive to the filth of “cigarettes”, stating that he would rather “fuck a bitch from the projects”, i.e. speak to a woman of poverty, whom the upper classes deem as repulsive (33-34). With these incisive statements, Pump not only challenges the status quo of women’s inferiority to men, but also that of the working class’s inferiority to their superiors. The third stanza repeats the first, prompting us to reinterpret and examine, as well as chant, Pump the Younger’s message of proletarian freedom. The master work of Pump the Younger’s Gucci Gang is an elevated masterpiece. It weaves together both ancient and modern philosophy in order to spread and convey its message: the inherent turmoil of the perpetually-oppressed proletariat, and the dedication to neo-Marxism as the logical and glorious finality in which humans shall live until eternity. It is a firebrand work that urges us to behave like Pump: if he can live his life in scholarly toil and labour for the purpose of a better future, we too can behave similarly: it is our call to arms, and reassurance. We may not all be poets of Pumpian caliber, but we may still lead happy and fulfilling lives in dedication to the fulfillment of the glorious manifestation of communal and glorious Socialism. Long live Pump the Greater, savior of the proletariat, under whose virile feet the filthy and oppressive Bourgeoisie shall be trampled!! |
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